


don't put these words between us

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-03-14
Updated: 2007-03-14
Packaged: 2018-09-06 10:06:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8745994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: I've agonized over this one because it feels more personal to me and it hit me hard. In the end, I had no choice but to post it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: I just finished downloading Quietdrive (one of the most awesome bands!) and this song just broke my heart. It felt so like the boys I had to write with it. Literally Iâ€™ve listened to this song over 60 times since I downloaded itâ€¦itâ€™s on repeat in my iTunes. :P Some of it seems a little scrambled to me, but it made sense as I was writing it. Maybe itâ€™ll make sense to you, maybe it wonâ€™t. But I think this is one of my favorites. So, I hope you love this song as much as I do!  


* * *

_Can you hear me screaming_

_Coming to find you_

 

Dean rolls over onto his stomach, letting his eyes adjust to the dark. It’s not that he really needs to adjust to be able to see the familiar lines of his brother’s body. The image of Sam in the bed next to his, just feet away, is burned into his mind.

 

Over the years its changed, but its always been the same.

 

Its always been Sam.

 

When Sam left for Stanford, Dean had woken many nights and rolled over, searching frantically for him. Needing the reassurance that Sam was there, that he was safe. It had taken months for him to work past that, to remember before he’d even rolled over that Sam was gone.

 

It was nights like those that kept him on constant edge now.

 

Sam was back, but for how long? That was the constant thought in Dean’s mind. Eventually this would be over, this hunt for Dad. And then he’d go back to the life he wanted.

 

He tries not to be bitter, tries not to hold it against Sam, but there’s only so much he can sacrifice. Only so much he can force a smile through. He’d already done it once, when Sam left the first time. There just aren’t any fake smiles left in him for that again.

 

Dean lays awake night after night, watching Sam sleep, because that’s the only comfort he has now. The short amount of time Sam will be here with him.

 

Its only a matter of time before that bed is as empty as his heart again, and the reassuring presence of his younger brother is gone. Its only a matter of time before he’s able to sleep again without that fear, because he knows it’s the last time. A painful trade he has no say in.

 

He wonders if Sam can hear the silent pleading in his mind, in the way he says Sam’s name each day. And he wonders if Sam can hear the silent screaming inside by the way he says Sammy a bit softer.

 

__

_It's not that I want to_

_Make it another night alone_

 

Dean knows that telling Sam, instead of hoping he can somehow hear it by the inflection of his voice, is how to make the constant noise stop. He knows it really is as simple as it seems. And it’s not that he wants to keep doing things alone. He’s been alone for too long as it is.

 

__

_This feeling is lonely_

_Sending me slowly_

 

And it’s not that he wants to live this life alone, or let the screaming drown out every other thought in his mind like some sick, masochistic form of functioning. He’s done enough living like that.

 

He keeps it to himself because he figures there’s no use in them both suffering. That’s all Sam will do if he knew, anyway. Suffer right along with him, until it’s time for him to leave again. It won’t change anything. What’s the point in that?

 

 

_Hits me so deep_

_It cuts my bone_

 

Dean can no more break his silence than Sam can stay. It’s what he has to do, just as Sam’s leaving is what he has to do. There’s never been any misunderstandings when it came to that. Anger, pain, loss…anything but misunderstanding.

 

Sam makes it clear in every softened word, every pained look, and the little physical contact Dean allows.

 

And that becomes more limited every day, because it could be his undoing. The one thing that can make him break his silence and expose every wound, every painful thought he’s ever had. Or will have.

 

He can’t let that happen. Not if he wants to keep living, really _living_.

 

__

_Fills my heart_

_Burns me up_

 

This fear, this pain, is as all consuming as Sam’s touch is. It controls him more than he wants it to, even as he fights it, he can feel it winning. Then again there’s never been any use in trying to put Sam behind him or out of his thoughts. It’s as routine as breathing to him, loving Sam. Needing him.

 

His whole life Sam’s complained about how much he needs Dean, how it’s held him back. That was the reason he gave him for leaving, one of them anyway, the way he brought Dean down and messed things up for him, or both of them.

 

Truthfully, Dean’s the one that needs Sam. It’s always been that way. Sam gives him a purpose, one that he can cling to and not feel as if he’s grasping at straws and searching for _any_ reason to keep living.

 

Sam’s always thought it was the hunt that gave him the strength to keep going, but it’s never been enough for Dean.

 

He’s ashamed of that, a little scared too. Maybe that’s why he’s never told Sam how much he means to him, not in words anyway. He’s always hoped his actions were enough. Instead they pushed Sam away, made him think he was too dependent on Dean. All this time it’s been the other way around.

__

_For way too long_

_For way too long_

 

They had another fight about it tonight, about Sam being too dependent on Dean. They fight a lot these days. It happens when Dean can’t play the game anymore. No more cocky grins and smartass remarks, not when he doesn’t really feel that way. Being fake is what got him in this mess in the first place. He’s not going to relive that mistake.

 

__

_Here's my hand_

_Pull me up_

 

The first fight they’d had, had changed everything. Sam had been back a month or two, then things got heated, and Sam reminded Dean of how much he didn’t want to be there. How he was leaving again, as quick as he could. It was the wake up call he needed. After that he dropped the cool façade and just went with it. It couldn’t get any worse then it had, now could it?

 

Sam had tried to take it back, and Dean had given him the chance to fix things, to promise that he wasn’t going anywhere. He’d put himself out there, risked what he had left.

 

What a mistake that had been. 

__

_I lie awake because I'm scared_

 

 

He rolls over again, this time facing away from Sam. He’s feeding his fear, giving into it. It will destroy him in the end and he isn’t going to go down like that. It isn’t in him to give up, broken and abused as his heart is, he can’t. There’s too much Winchester in him for that.

 

__

_I'm not as fake as you once heard_

 

Taking that approach isn’t as easy as he’d hoped it would be though. It means he has to be real with Sam, he has to tell him when he’s crossing a line, instead of running away. Instead of being angry and throwing fists, he has to show Sam what’s inside.

 

It makes fighting a real bitch.

__

_But we'll lay down now making sure we_

_Put these words between us_

 

“Dean?” Sam whispers into the dark, startling him from his thoughts. He’d hoped that Sam had forgotten tonight, that he was too worn down after another fight to care enough to say it.

 

“Yeah?” he answers hesitantly. The sound of his brother’s voice has him rolling back over to face him.

 

“I love you.”

 

Those are the only words between them. Tonight and every night.

 

Sam’s rolled over to face Dean, who forces himself to return his brother’s intense gaze. His mouth forms the words, but Dean can’t hear them. All he ever hears is _I’m leaving you, again_.

 

Still, he says them back, wishing Sam had never said them.

 

Sam lets out a soft sigh and buries his face into the pillow, leaving Dean to his misery.

 

He lets Sam think that they’re okay, that he’s okay. It’s the only secret he lets himself keep, besides the fact that he’s in love with his brother. He figures that’s too much to give up to him when he’s halfway out the door already. 

__

_Can you hear us falling_

__

The silence between them now is so deafening, Dean can hear things falling apart. Sam doesn’t seem to notice as he drifts into a dreamless sleep, so maybe it’s all in his head. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s wondered if he’d lost his mind.

 

So what if it is.

 

He can still hear his world crashing down. His dreams and hopes leading the way. __

_We're falling faster_

 

The fact that Sam doesn’t hear the silence surrounding them is proof enough that they’re falling apart. Promises Dean that it’s coming faster than he’s expected, faster than he can stand.

 

Then again, how much time does it take to make goodbye okay?

__

_It's hard to remember_

_Where we were at a year before_

 

Sam’s breathing is even again, and it has him thinking back on things he‘d rather forget. The memories of his brother he wishes he didn’t have.

 

He’d gone searching for Sam, asking for his help to find Dad. _Then_ he’d had no hopes, no expectations. Sam had run as far and as fast as he could the minute he’d had the chance. Bringing him back hadn’t meant much of anything.

 

But that was a year ago.

 

A year he’d spent with Sam, reliving fights and pranks. He’d fallen back into step with their old routines. Whether he’d meant for it to happen or not, expectations had somehow found their way to his door.

 

And he’d had a whole lot of them.

__

_I thought we were ready_

_I thought we were steady_

 

He’d begun to think those sleepless nights were over. He’d begun to think Sam was _back_.

 

How childish.

 

He should have known that wasn’t true. There’s only so much Sam is willing to give up, and his life isn’t one of them. Not in that way. Not in the way Dean needs.

__

_'Till the emotion_

_Hit the floor_

 

Still, he’d thought things were right between them again.

 

A year they’d been searching for Dad, a year they’d been doing okay. They’d been brothers again. Until a screaming match had sent Dean’s world crashing down around him. It always came back to that first fight.

 

Sam could tell him over and over again how he didn’t mean it, how he’d only said it to hurt Dean. Could say I love you every night, until Dean begged him to just stay quiet. Because, like everywhere else, Sam had succeeded, he’d hurt Dean. He’d hit every nerve he’d been searching for with a few simple words. And he couldn’t take it back.

 

_Fills my heart_

_Burns me up_

_For way too long_

_For way too long (where did you go)_

 

Just like there’s only so much they can give up for the other, there’s only so much they can take back.

 

And this isn’t one of them.

 

Not when Sam’s walked out once before.

 

Forgive and forget is for people who aren’t so entangled, for people who can stay or walk away at will. People that aren’t like them.

__

_Here's my hand_

_To pull me up_

 

Dean can’t stop thinking about the first fight, always thinking if he’d just done this, or just said that, he could have stopped things from turning out this way. Stupid and childish, like everything else. He can’t regret the fight though, because it showed him the truth. It kept him from letting his hopes build so high, they’d drown him in the end. 

__

_Don't put these words between us_

 

“I love you,” were the only words Sam had, had to offer then and ever since. Maybe he’d thought it would give Dean comfort, would reassure him that they would always be brothers and that somehow they’d always be connected.

 

But that isn’t enough. And he wishes more than anything Sam has ever said, he hadn’t said those words. That he hadn’t put that between them, like every other broken promise.

__

_I lie awake because I'm scared_

_I'm not as fake as you once heard_

 

Laying here, being scared, being real…it’s Dean’s way of surviving. Of letting Sam go.

 

He doesn’t want to, but he has to. His only other choice is to break, and he can’t do that. Won’t let that even be an option. If not for him, then for Sam, for Dad, and for Mom. __

_And we'll lay these words_

_And we'll put them down_

_On the floor beneath us_

__

Words have been exchanged over the years that were meant to hurt and to break. Out of anger, out of the need to make the other feel what they were feeling. And there have been some bad ones, ones that felt like they could end everything. But they aren’t what’s killing them. It’s the words they use to heal and to mend that are breaking them apart.

 

The words they’ll always say.

__

_Don't put these words between us_

_Don't put these words between us_

 

_I love you._

 

Their only words. Their only truths spoken. Tonight, every night. And they’ll be the last words they say to each other when Sam leaves again, this time for good.

 

I love you, are the words he fears the most. More than goodbye, more than I hate you.

 

It’s always been, I love you.


End file.
